Episode 11: The Wet Willie Glee Club Get A Mode of Transport.

And so the year rolled on by like leaves on the wind and petals in the storm and blow flies on a really hot day. Here's the situation: The Wet Willie Glee Club control the Pizza Hut area and Molong, and, using this strategic base, are plotting world domination. The Complex Father is enjoying being Mandelbrot's right-paw man, The Girl From Molong is learning witchcraft, The Vampire has temporarily converted to vegetarianism and Win Tin Tin has not only a new kennel, but a big rubber bone to chew on as well. Wet Willie has successfully learned not only to walk and talk simultaneously, but to think as well, an achievement hailed as miraculous by all reputable modern medical practitioners.

Discriminant Boy and all the pathetic losers he hangs around with, oops sorry, his friends, are not doing quite as well as their evil counterparts. For starters, they have been forced to stop living in a gutter and have moved into the sewer underneath McDonalds. Spike Boy now has to use his gums to carve inanities on walls, Hyperbolia has been forced to be nice to Discriminant Boy nine times in the last month, the 70-ft Woman is completely out of Tim-Tams and is surviving on McChicken Burgers, and Discriminant Boy had lost his driver's license for following the example of a certain guru and driving under the influence of trigonometry. That guru is currently in detox and having a complete personality overhaul. Therefore, this episode will contain no flights of fantasy, and will remain strictly in the bounds of possibility.

The nuns are roughly the same as ever, except Sister Gradient has taken a new vow, and must recite the mantra 'if complex number z is the root of polynomial p(x) with real coefficients, then the conjugate of z is also a root of p(x)' sixteen times daily.

But where in all of this you cry (except those of you who saw the first draft of this story) is the GrumbleBum, that mode of transport par mediocre . The GrumbleBum, bored and lonely, was parked outside Sensai Garden Gnome's house, deserted in its master's absence. That was the exciting part, the boring part was being Discriminant Boy's mode of transport. That really hurt. The fact that, among other inconveniences, the GrumbleBum had been damaged on loan to Hyperbolia just seemed to cap off a bad week or month, or whatever it was they were coming to, timewise.

Essentially, being the mode of transport for a Super-Zero with a crappy name wasn't all it was cracked up to be. The GrumbleBum needed a change, something different and exciting. It just doesn't seem to happen in this story, that's all.

Anyway, Discriminant Boy was just recovering from his right-angled-triangle induced hangover, and was trying to entice his shattered memory to tell him what was wrong with The Girl From Molong at the study session he had attended last Friday night. Oh, yeah, the 70-ft Woman had simultaneously stepped on her and Sensai Garden Gnome (who was finding one last gradient before drying out).

Things were otherwise quiet, at least until Wet Willie and The Complex Father turned up in the most disgusting mode of transport imaginable, which seemed to suit their personalities really well, at least until it was revealed that it worked most of the time, and was the only sane character ever to emerge from the minds of the authors of this story. Not long after the engine had been shut down, The Complex Father, Mother Derivative and Sister Gradient made their way through the trail of smoke, oil and bodies left behind by this new mode of transport.

Everyone was surprisingly unarmed and friendly. The Wet Willie Glee Club had ignored Mandelbrot's foresighted advice that if they didn't get rid of The Good Ones, they would eventually retake the gutter outside Pizza Hut, and thought they could simply be friendly now, as long as it didn't harm them. (Yes, they are wrong.)

Mother Derivative spoke.

(If it is any interest of all, she actually queried 'What's all the noise about?' but this isn't terribly imaginative. No one ever said these characters were going to be interesting.)

The Complex Father pointed at the mode of transport.

Wet Willie exclaimed proudly, 'It's our new mode of transport,' (OK, OK, Wet Willie, I think that's been established already.) 'It's called the Mazda Shitbox 1100.' Sister Gradient seemed offended at this blatant use of explicit language, but no one else noticed, so the story went on. No one noticed the Vampire either, even when the boot slammed shut.

The Complex Father began to boast about the Shitbox. He even managed to do it sincerely. He lifted the bonnet to show off all the features of his new found manhood(?). He explained it had a new rubber band, which meant he could get it up to top speed faster than Discriminant Boy could get his up. (To top speed.)

This kind of thing continued for about half a minute, until everyone got sick of it. Wet Willie, the only one really interested, was pointed to various things and trying to show off as much cleavage as possible. Obviously, she had been watching too much The Price is Right. Anyway, it was putting everyone right off. It put off everyone right off to the point where the 70-ft Woman was forced to grow to proportions never seen before and go off to terrorise Hollywood.

When they had finished viewing the Shitbox, all sat down for red cordial and Tim Tams. Win Tin Tin made up for the 70-ft Woman's absence and grew several sizes. After munching and crunching their way through quite a few packets of biscuits (they would be purchasing much Clearasil in the near future), The Complex Father decided it was time to take the Wet Willie Glee Club back to Molong. The sounds of Regurgitator could be heard emitting from the Shitbox as The Complex Father turned the wheel. The last seen of the gang before they toppled over the edge of the crater back into Molong territory was a 'Techno Sucks' sticker on the rear window. 'Rub me on my car and I'll come back again,' was the final sound heard by The Good Ones as they crawled back into the sewer underneath McDonalds.