Episode 12: The Vampire And Win Tin Tin Leave the Wet Willie Glee Club and Achieve World Domination.

The gutter around Pizza Hut was under new management. It had, in fact, been privatised, streamlined and downsized to within an inch of its life and was now so efficient it wasn't just a gutter, it was a tax evasion scheme as well. The lemon tree Discriminant Boy had caused to grow had now been chopped down and converted into new stuffing for Mandelbrot. Worst of all, there were no more Smarties in the Dessert Bar.

However, some of the members of the Wet Willie Glee Club were managing to have a good time. The Girl From Molong now had twelve sparkly gold nails, Wet Willie was practising coherent speech and The Complex Father had taken over the Maths black market and was doing top grade inverse functions, imported direct from brand new textbooks, without that insidious dealer markup.

But what, you ask, of the poor unfortunate Good Ones (and, for that matter, The GrumbleBum, who is still parked outside Sensai Garden Gnome's house despite a valiant effort on the part of a certain co-author who will remain nameless)? Stiff bikkies. This story is about The Wet Willie Glee Club and its two renegades and nothing, but nothing will make me change that.

Anyway, as you may have gathered from the title, The Vampire and Win Tin Tin were not so happy at all. Win Tin Tin had good reasons to be unhappy (a stomach ache, lack of fresh meat, being woken up every morning by Wet Willie throwing her in the toilet etc etc) and, well, The Vampire was just unhappy. And thus, early one morning, they left and wandered far and wide.

They wandered up hill, down dale, underground, through the stratosphere, into the bowels of the Earth, out the other side and around again. They negotiated minefields and rice paddies, sewerage treatment plants and wetlands, war zones and Level 4 biotoxin containment areas. They spoke with Elvis and Jimi Hendrix, danced the cha-cha, were initiated into six African tribes, cured AIDS, learned to breathe underwater and crocheted six thousand, two hundred and twenty nine doilies. As an encore they travelled faster than the speed of light, came out of a black hole, found out where the odd socks go, colonised six galaxies and solved the mysteries of Microsoft Windows. And they made it back to Kentucky Fried Chicken in time for dinner.

The Vampire listened to Win Tin Tin gulping her dinner from the floor in silence. She was considering what to do now. There was no point trying to return to her membership in The Wet Willie Glee Club. For starters, they were a bunch of small time crooks with gum leaf fetishes, and there was also the little matter of... The Really Bad Thing.

The Really Bad Thing was what happened to people who deserted The Wet Willie Glee Club. The renegades of this crime syndicate (who before this day, you'll recall, numbered a grand total of one - and Spike Boy only faced a lesser version of the punishment, The Mildly Bad Thing, since his IQ did not qualify him for full membership in the first place) were subjected to a terror so terrible to behold it made doing 3 Unit Mathematics at James Sheahan Catholic Cesspool seem pleasant, and thus cannot be discussed on this page, for fear of the author's sanity.

So The Vampire had to think of something else to do. She could fly around at night and sip the blood of various cultures, or con herself a job at the Blood Bank. (Vegetarianism had worn thin fast - carrot juice in no way compares to fresh blood, especially since The Complex Father always leaves the fridge door open, and the juice gets warm.) But no, that was too easy and predictable. She had to do something subtle, delicate, but that would nevertheless establish her as Supreme Blood Consumer.

So the twosome stole the world's entire nuclear stockpile and dropped it on the world leader's head. (Who was the world leader? Sensai Garden Gnome actually, but he had forgotten this many millennia in the past and had been thus ruling somewhat haphazardly since. When you're ruling the world subconsciously, really dumb things can happen. Like the development of politics and computer programming, for example.) Unfortunately, they forgot to detonate the stockpile, and all that happened was squashing Sensai Garden Gnome as flat as. No one noticed, even Sensai Garden Gnome, for several minutes. And then the world, freed from this tyranny, fell at the feet of the saviours and hailed them The Rulers of the World. They had achieved world domination.